Why I never announced my pregnancy and why its not your place
Every single mom out there told me I would. They said 'take pictures of your bump, you will totally regret it if you don't!" I know you are probably thinking did she really not take any, not even just ones she only knows about, or maybe her husband snapped real quick? I took one picture of myself...ONE. As for my husband, he was not allowed to take any of me at all. Granted there are a few pictures at the hospital my mother in law snapped real quick, but that is it. There is nothing out there that you will find with me being pregnant unless I just happen to show you that one picture I took to see what I looked like. I was dead set on not being behind any camera. Let me explain... I had no mirrors in my house. "That's a lie, it has to be" is what you are thinking. Nope its true. I had no mirrors and I was happy not to and here's why. I did not feel like myself one bit. I felt like an alien. I felt completely out of my comfort zone and I hated it. I hated being pregnant, nothing about it was beautiful to me. Of course now I understand how amazing our bodies are, but before being a mother I didn't care. Now the following may upset some people. This has been heavy on my heart for a very long time and I think it needs to be said because there may be others who have found themselves in the same situation as myself and need to know that its okay to feel this way. Please, please if you read on understand that no one has the same feelings, nobody every truly can understand unless they have been through the exact same thing and everyone should always be sympathetic to others because you never know when you could be in the same situation, or even worse. That being said, please read on with an open heart. Alright here it goes!
When I found out I was pregnant I was calm. My very first reaction was happiness...pure happiness. I was sooo excited to have a little someone run around who had characteristics of his dad and I. This was not planned. at. all. Spencer and I had no intentions of getting pregnant. In fact I was just in for a check up with a Dr. to discuss some options for my endometriosis about a month before. I had been told in the past and every time I went in that it could be difficult to become pregnant. I figured I was fine and I didn't want to test any theory until we had been married at least three years. So as you could imagine my shock that came after my initial reaction, it was intense. So intense that I took five pregnancy tests and each one I still could not believe it was true. There are people out there who wait their whole lives, who try and try and it is so heartbreaking. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I want you to know I am aware and truly understand how blessed I am.So as I explain on please know I took none of this lightly. Okay, here is the hard part. It only took one week. One week before the happiness wore off. (Okay I have to stop here just in case Maverick ever reads this.) I have debated on putting this up forever and ever and here is the thing. I have no documentations of this pregnancy and if he asks me why, I want to be able to make sure he knows it was not because I didn't want him, or didn't love him. In fact my whole pregnancy I told him how much I loved him and every single day I looked up something to make sure whatever I was doing, or whatever I was around he was safe. So not for one second do I want to be looked at like I did not care, I was just in a dark place. Fear started to set in and I could not control my emotions anymore. I knew it could be hard to become pregnant and the chance of having a miscarriage could be high.
'Women with endometriosis are at higher risk for complications during pregnancy, including a higher risk of premature birth, miscarriage, placenta previa, smaller newborns, and cesarean delivery, according to a recent analysis."- https://endometriosisnews.com/2017/09/18/endometriosis-identified-risk-factor-pregnancy-complications/
I am the kind of person who does not like to show emotions. I am terrible at explaining to someone how I feel and I hate talking about feelings. If I am excited about something, I don't ever want to get disappointed, so I always expect the worst until further notice. I think people forget that about me, so whenever they would ask how I was doing I would just say good and move on to a different topic because I didn't want to get into any deeper conversation. Now that I have had time to process how I was feeling...almost a full year after birth I can finally explain myself. I was not excited because I was expecting the worst. I didn't want anyone to know. I told my husband not to tell anyone and after we had told our families I asked for them to keep it a secret. The very last thing I wanted was for things to go south and have complications and then have people want to talk to me about it. I know, I know you shouldn't live your life like that, you can't always expect the worst and people are there for you through the hard times. That isn't the case for me. I don't want to have to talk about it with anyone. I have had the worst things happen in my life, the worst case scenarios have come true and I know how real they are and how they come out of no where when you let your guard down. I don't even flirt with the line of living my life without a care in the world because all of those awful times are embedded in me. I just knew something was going to go wrong. At the time I was working full time as a pediatric dental assistant and we were working full time on the house as well. Anytime we were not at work we were tearing a room out and preparing to renovate. When I say we I mean Spencer and I would just help bring things to him, grab snacks, or paint. If you have ever been pregnant before than you just know how exhausted I must have been. I WAS DOG TIRED. As we were renovating the house, the living room was the best area so we slept on our cheap $200 rock-hard mattress that was placed in the middle of the floor. We had bags of clothes for work and for bed and that was it. Everything else was packed up. Now people would ask how are we doing it? I have a theory that when you're body is in a stressed out state you have an auto pilot that kicks in and you just start going until that moment you get to catch your breath. That moment for us of course is just now almost a year and a half later. That first trimester I would never wish on my worst enemy. I would do the third trimester over the first multiple times! Holy smokies. To be fair though everything was pretty normal, puking, all day nausea, back pain and exhaustion. Nothing crazy, no hospital visits and I was able to eat. As I got farther along and word started to spread throughout my extended family...no, not even they knew. I started to get a few calls here and there asking why I didn't tell them, what going on, how was I feeling ect. Of course deep down in my heart I know they all love me and they were calling me to check in because they care. Again everyone reading, especially if you are a family member who called, I was in a very dark place. Every call I appreciated because they took time out of their day to check up on me, the one who wasn't being open with family, friends, even myself. It was so nice and I don't want that to go un-noted because I did love it. But please recall back to my little snippet above where I explained about an unplanned pregnancy, new full time job and a live-in reno. That first month I slept at a hotel because just walking up to the steps of the house made me vomit. I was living my worst nightmare...being sick in a place that wasn't home. I was out of my mind exhausted and uncomfortable, mentally and physically, I got in to why I was so exhausted so let me explain uncomfortable for a minute here. Yes of course physically I was always uncomfortable, but I kind of expected that, what I didn't expect is how uncomfortable I was mentally. I did not want to be pregnant. Ever since I was a little girl, I never ever wanted to go through it. I grew up with six younger brothers. You could say those "girl things" did not appeal to me as much as keeping up with my brothers did. I did not want to be looked at as the weak girl who's favorite color was bright pink, played house, danced around in her tutu and dressed her barbies. No, I wanted to be one of the boys soooo dang bad. In fact, in the third grade I quit brushing my hair because my brothers didn't have to and got the biggest rats nest that had to be cut out. In the fourth grade I cried and cried because my mom mentioned training bra and just that little detail separated me from one of the boys and really broke my spirit. In middle school I loved riding my horse and made a pact with my best friend to never wear makeup. Of course in high school, I found my feminine side a little more and thought makeup and smelling good was great, but I played basketball, wore basketball shorts and sweatshirts my whole high school career and never ever missed an opportunity to go shoot whistle pigs. I never ever went through a phase where I couldn't do what the boys could. So, when I wasn't able to work on the house, go hunting, hike very far and started to not be able to relate, or fit in with what I loved, it broke me. I KNOW I COULD STILL DO THOSE THINGS IF I REALLY WANTED TO. That is what someone saying right now, well not how I wanted to do them because let's face it, when your pregnant its nothing like when your not. There are pros and cons I will give ya that, but I hated it. I hated people looking at me and rubbing my belly. I hated other ladies coming up to me and saying "oh honey..." like I was the one who needed to be felt sorry for. I hated the one simple fact that there was no doubt about it, I was that girl who was not one of the guys. I was that pregnant lady who needed to stay inside and relax, or "take it easy". I honestly felt like I lost who I was. SO, whenever someone wanted to call and check in on me the last thing I wanted to talk about was going through my own hell. Yes, I'm sure there are family members, friends and strangers out there who are saying I'm a little dramatic, but shove it. Obviously now I have a better understanding of how amazing it is to be able to give life to someone and how special it is to have that gift. I love my son more than words could describe. What you may not realize is we all go through some kind of transition that is hard and mine just happen to be this. Remember, sympathize for others before judging. Here is why I say that. Being in a dark place, meaning going through one of the most stressful times (so I thought) and just trying to get by, the very last thing you want to hear is someone tell you what you are doing is wrong. I had family members and family friends tell me I was being selfish. I was being selfish because I wouldn't let anyone know about my pregnancy. They couldn't believe I would say such a thing as I wasn't excited yet. It was not okay that I felt the way I felt. They were going to tell so and so because they really need to know. Here is the thing. I am almost positive that if those people had been in my situation they would all have reacted differently. However, that is my whole point here. If there is one thing Maverick will learn from me, it will be to try and understand and feel for another person before he comes to his own conclusion about them, or how they are doing things. He will know that there are different ways to go about things and his way isn't the only right way. He will understand that having enough respect for another persons well being rather than giving his own personal, short analyzed opinion is worth more than the words he can't ever take back. I felt like the worst mother in the world after talking to so many people that I just stopped because no one was ever truly going to understand me. They were never going to understand why, or how. No one is the exact same, but there are those of us who feel like no one really knows, or relates to us and sometimes its not that no one can, but you just cant find the ones out there who do. It is most definitely okay to not feel like telling any one about a hard time you are going through, even if it causes something that is supposed to be celebrated something that maybe still can be, but by those you are closest to you and who are there to get you through and support you. It is okay to not feel a certain way, even when its something most people live and breath for. Your wants and wishes can be different than others and if those others don't agree than once again I will repeat myself gladly with a forceful, PG'ed version, to SHOVE IT. It is 100% just fine to feel the way you do no matter who tells you its not. I do not care if they are blood related, or a stranger however you feel is validated. You should be able to have more than one feeling and when your pregnant trust me you will, they all switch around and some are stronger than others every minute. If someone goes past the boundary you have set, then make a mental note to remember for the next time. You are just fine especially when you are pushing through and you aren't giving up. Here is my only one thing I actually feel bad about. Spencer. Spencer was soooo excited he was telling the exterminator, the mailman, the clerk anyone who didn't know us personally just had to know, because he was so excited and proud to be a dad. How freaking amazing and lucky am I to be married not only to the sexiest man alive, but to have a man be that happy for us both. I only feel bad that I killed that excitement for him. I do not care about anyone else and their feelings in our situation but his. If I could go back I would do things a little different just for him. I wish I would have let him take the pictures and I wish I would have wrote down little milestones.
My third trimester hit and I was starting to feel more confidant that things were going to happen, everything would be okay and I was having a little boy, so praise be his name I knew I could handle this. That is about 10 mins into a quick ultrasound to just "check on things." I knew something wasn't right because I had to get up to go to the bathroom and when I got back It wasn't even 3 minutes before we were asked to go into the waiting room again. Once we were called back my Dr. met me in the hall and while the nurse was turning the room over asking about vitals my Dr. said "No, I don't even want her to sit down." she turned towards me and said "I am so sorry, but there was no movement and as far along as you are..." I don't remember anything else but her telling me to go straight to labor and delivery. I made it to the elevator before bursting into tears hyperventilating trying to call my mom. We rushed over to the hospital just across the street and started finding anyone who looked like they worked there to help us find labor and delivery. When we got there, the front desk lady already knew who I was, they had me sign a paper and got me back right away to start monitoring the baby. We were in the hospital doing multiple tests without any answer for 7 hours. Finally, after another ultrasound, some food and my mom on her way via plane, we found out my fluid was low and baby was fine, I just needed to take it easy and go in on that coming Monday to redo tests and monitor again. You guys, I cannot tell you how big of an eye opener that was. Once again, my whole entire pregnancy I was so in love with this boy, but after this experience my attitude changed and Fear was still present, but it didn't feel so weird for me anymore. I felt like I could do this. As weeks progressed, weight was adding on and on and on, swelling was at a new level I felt like I couldn't continue on much longer. I'm not sure I mentioned in this blog, but I gained 90 pounds, yep. I was so swollen I couldn't close my hands, or bend my toes. I couldn't pee as often as I thought I should be given the amount of water I was drinking and its because my body was just absorbing it all. We put the house on the market because why shouldn't we make anything easy at this point for ourselves? and the stress of baby, complications and the house were weighing heavy. I was 37 weeks along when I got the news my good friend had passed away. That next morning Spencer had to leave super early and I couldn't hold myself together anymore. I thought why. why, why why. And everything else seemed so small. I had given up. I went to my appointment a couple days later to be checked, I was 37 1/2 weeks along at that point and 1 cm dilated and 80% effaced. I was so past the point of being done and I am not sure if that was it, or this baby couldn't wait either, but my water broke an hour and a half after that appointment. After a 36 hour labor and unexpected c-section. We met our Maverick James, and oh what a blessing he was at such a perfect time. I don't think I have ever gone through and explained my "why" on why I did things the way I did, or why I wasn't able to share with everyone our big news of being pregnant before. It has literally taken me all this time to understand and piece words together. I truly believe for a big part of the pregnancy I was on auto pilot. Maverick is almost a year old and I am just now able to speak about my experience. Some of these parts are hard to relive, but need to be addressed. I am so grateful for those who maybe didn't understand me, but supported me. Who helped me get excited as time went on and who kept cheering me on. I am so grateful.
~Kayleen
When I found out I was pregnant I was calm. My very first reaction was happiness...pure happiness. I was sooo excited to have a little someone run around who had characteristics of his dad and I. This was not planned. at. all. Spencer and I had no intentions of getting pregnant. In fact I was just in for a check up with a Dr. to discuss some options for my endometriosis about a month before. I had been told in the past and every time I went in that it could be difficult to become pregnant. I figured I was fine and I didn't want to test any theory until we had been married at least three years. So as you could imagine my shock that came after my initial reaction, it was intense. So intense that I took five pregnancy tests and each one I still could not believe it was true. There are people out there who wait their whole lives, who try and try and it is so heartbreaking. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I want you to know I am aware and truly understand how blessed I am.So as I explain on please know I took none of this lightly. Okay, here is the hard part. It only took one week. One week before the happiness wore off. (Okay I have to stop here just in case Maverick ever reads this.) I have debated on putting this up forever and ever and here is the thing. I have no documentations of this pregnancy and if he asks me why, I want to be able to make sure he knows it was not because I didn't want him, or didn't love him. In fact my whole pregnancy I told him how much I loved him and every single day I looked up something to make sure whatever I was doing, or whatever I was around he was safe. So not for one second do I want to be looked at like I did not care, I was just in a dark place. Fear started to set in and I could not control my emotions anymore. I knew it could be hard to become pregnant and the chance of having a miscarriage could be high.
'Women with endometriosis are at higher risk for complications during pregnancy, including a higher risk of premature birth, miscarriage, placenta previa, smaller newborns, and cesarean delivery, according to a recent analysis."- https://endometriosisnews.com/2017/09/18/endometriosis-identified-risk-factor-pregnancy-complications/
I am the kind of person who does not like to show emotions. I am terrible at explaining to someone how I feel and I hate talking about feelings. If I am excited about something, I don't ever want to get disappointed, so I always expect the worst until further notice. I think people forget that about me, so whenever they would ask how I was doing I would just say good and move on to a different topic because I didn't want to get into any deeper conversation. Now that I have had time to process how I was feeling...almost a full year after birth I can finally explain myself. I was not excited because I was expecting the worst. I didn't want anyone to know. I told my husband not to tell anyone and after we had told our families I asked for them to keep it a secret. The very last thing I wanted was for things to go south and have complications and then have people want to talk to me about it. I know, I know you shouldn't live your life like that, you can't always expect the worst and people are there for you through the hard times. That isn't the case for me. I don't want to have to talk about it with anyone. I have had the worst things happen in my life, the worst case scenarios have come true and I know how real they are and how they come out of no where when you let your guard down. I don't even flirt with the line of living my life without a care in the world because all of those awful times are embedded in me. I just knew something was going to go wrong. At the time I was working full time as a pediatric dental assistant and we were working full time on the house as well. Anytime we were not at work we were tearing a room out and preparing to renovate. When I say we I mean Spencer and I would just help bring things to him, grab snacks, or paint. If you have ever been pregnant before than you just know how exhausted I must have been. I WAS DOG TIRED. As we were renovating the house, the living room was the best area so we slept on our cheap $200 rock-hard mattress that was placed in the middle of the floor. We had bags of clothes for work and for bed and that was it. Everything else was packed up. Now people would ask how are we doing it? I have a theory that when you're body is in a stressed out state you have an auto pilot that kicks in and you just start going until that moment you get to catch your breath. That moment for us of course is just now almost a year and a half later. That first trimester I would never wish on my worst enemy. I would do the third trimester over the first multiple times! Holy smokies. To be fair though everything was pretty normal, puking, all day nausea, back pain and exhaustion. Nothing crazy, no hospital visits and I was able to eat. As I got farther along and word started to spread throughout my extended family...no, not even they knew. I started to get a few calls here and there asking why I didn't tell them, what going on, how was I feeling ect. Of course deep down in my heart I know they all love me and they were calling me to check in because they care. Again everyone reading, especially if you are a family member who called, I was in a very dark place. Every call I appreciated because they took time out of their day to check up on me, the one who wasn't being open with family, friends, even myself. It was so nice and I don't want that to go un-noted because I did love it. But please recall back to my little snippet above where I explained about an unplanned pregnancy, new full time job and a live-in reno. That first month I slept at a hotel because just walking up to the steps of the house made me vomit. I was living my worst nightmare...being sick in a place that wasn't home. I was out of my mind exhausted and uncomfortable, mentally and physically, I got in to why I was so exhausted so let me explain uncomfortable for a minute here. Yes of course physically I was always uncomfortable, but I kind of expected that, what I didn't expect is how uncomfortable I was mentally. I did not want to be pregnant. Ever since I was a little girl, I never ever wanted to go through it. I grew up with six younger brothers. You could say those "girl things" did not appeal to me as much as keeping up with my brothers did. I did not want to be looked at as the weak girl who's favorite color was bright pink, played house, danced around in her tutu and dressed her barbies. No, I wanted to be one of the boys soooo dang bad. In fact, in the third grade I quit brushing my hair because my brothers didn't have to and got the biggest rats nest that had to be cut out. In the fourth grade I cried and cried because my mom mentioned training bra and just that little detail separated me from one of the boys and really broke my spirit. In middle school I loved riding my horse and made a pact with my best friend to never wear makeup. Of course in high school, I found my feminine side a little more and thought makeup and smelling good was great, but I played basketball, wore basketball shorts and sweatshirts my whole high school career and never ever missed an opportunity to go shoot whistle pigs. I never ever went through a phase where I couldn't do what the boys could. So, when I wasn't able to work on the house, go hunting, hike very far and started to not be able to relate, or fit in with what I loved, it broke me. I KNOW I COULD STILL DO THOSE THINGS IF I REALLY WANTED TO. That is what someone saying right now, well not how I wanted to do them because let's face it, when your pregnant its nothing like when your not. There are pros and cons I will give ya that, but I hated it. I hated people looking at me and rubbing my belly. I hated other ladies coming up to me and saying "oh honey..." like I was the one who needed to be felt sorry for. I hated the one simple fact that there was no doubt about it, I was that girl who was not one of the guys. I was that pregnant lady who needed to stay inside and relax, or "take it easy". I honestly felt like I lost who I was. SO, whenever someone wanted to call and check in on me the last thing I wanted to talk about was going through my own hell. Yes, I'm sure there are family members, friends and strangers out there who are saying I'm a little dramatic, but shove it. Obviously now I have a better understanding of how amazing it is to be able to give life to someone and how special it is to have that gift. I love my son more than words could describe. What you may not realize is we all go through some kind of transition that is hard and mine just happen to be this. Remember, sympathize for others before judging. Here is why I say that. Being in a dark place, meaning going through one of the most stressful times (so I thought) and just trying to get by, the very last thing you want to hear is someone tell you what you are doing is wrong. I had family members and family friends tell me I was being selfish. I was being selfish because I wouldn't let anyone know about my pregnancy. They couldn't believe I would say such a thing as I wasn't excited yet. It was not okay that I felt the way I felt. They were going to tell so and so because they really need to know. Here is the thing. I am almost positive that if those people had been in my situation they would all have reacted differently. However, that is my whole point here. If there is one thing Maverick will learn from me, it will be to try and understand and feel for another person before he comes to his own conclusion about them, or how they are doing things. He will know that there are different ways to go about things and his way isn't the only right way. He will understand that having enough respect for another persons well being rather than giving his own personal, short analyzed opinion is worth more than the words he can't ever take back. I felt like the worst mother in the world after talking to so many people that I just stopped because no one was ever truly going to understand me. They were never going to understand why, or how. No one is the exact same, but there are those of us who feel like no one really knows, or relates to us and sometimes its not that no one can, but you just cant find the ones out there who do. It is most definitely okay to not feel like telling any one about a hard time you are going through, even if it causes something that is supposed to be celebrated something that maybe still can be, but by those you are closest to you and who are there to get you through and support you. It is okay to not feel a certain way, even when its something most people live and breath for. Your wants and wishes can be different than others and if those others don't agree than once again I will repeat myself gladly with a forceful, PG'ed version, to SHOVE IT. It is 100% just fine to feel the way you do no matter who tells you its not. I do not care if they are blood related, or a stranger however you feel is validated. You should be able to have more than one feeling and when your pregnant trust me you will, they all switch around and some are stronger than others every minute. If someone goes past the boundary you have set, then make a mental note to remember for the next time. You are just fine especially when you are pushing through and you aren't giving up. Here is my only one thing I actually feel bad about. Spencer. Spencer was soooo excited he was telling the exterminator, the mailman, the clerk anyone who didn't know us personally just had to know, because he was so excited and proud to be a dad. How freaking amazing and lucky am I to be married not only to the sexiest man alive, but to have a man be that happy for us both. I only feel bad that I killed that excitement for him. I do not care about anyone else and their feelings in our situation but his. If I could go back I would do things a little different just for him. I wish I would have let him take the pictures and I wish I would have wrote down little milestones.
My third trimester hit and I was starting to feel more confidant that things were going to happen, everything would be okay and I was having a little boy, so praise be his name I knew I could handle this. That is about 10 mins into a quick ultrasound to just "check on things." I knew something wasn't right because I had to get up to go to the bathroom and when I got back It wasn't even 3 minutes before we were asked to go into the waiting room again. Once we were called back my Dr. met me in the hall and while the nurse was turning the room over asking about vitals my Dr. said "No, I don't even want her to sit down." she turned towards me and said "I am so sorry, but there was no movement and as far along as you are..." I don't remember anything else but her telling me to go straight to labor and delivery. I made it to the elevator before bursting into tears hyperventilating trying to call my mom. We rushed over to the hospital just across the street and started finding anyone who looked like they worked there to help us find labor and delivery. When we got there, the front desk lady already knew who I was, they had me sign a paper and got me back right away to start monitoring the baby. We were in the hospital doing multiple tests without any answer for 7 hours. Finally, after another ultrasound, some food and my mom on her way via plane, we found out my fluid was low and baby was fine, I just needed to take it easy and go in on that coming Monday to redo tests and monitor again. You guys, I cannot tell you how big of an eye opener that was. Once again, my whole entire pregnancy I was so in love with this boy, but after this experience my attitude changed and Fear was still present, but it didn't feel so weird for me anymore. I felt like I could do this. As weeks progressed, weight was adding on and on and on, swelling was at a new level I felt like I couldn't continue on much longer. I'm not sure I mentioned in this blog, but I gained 90 pounds, yep. I was so swollen I couldn't close my hands, or bend my toes. I couldn't pee as often as I thought I should be given the amount of water I was drinking and its because my body was just absorbing it all. We put the house on the market because why shouldn't we make anything easy at this point for ourselves? and the stress of baby, complications and the house were weighing heavy. I was 37 weeks along when I got the news my good friend had passed away. That next morning Spencer had to leave super early and I couldn't hold myself together anymore. I thought why. why, why why. And everything else seemed so small. I had given up. I went to my appointment a couple days later to be checked, I was 37 1/2 weeks along at that point and 1 cm dilated and 80% effaced. I was so past the point of being done and I am not sure if that was it, or this baby couldn't wait either, but my water broke an hour and a half after that appointment. After a 36 hour labor and unexpected c-section. We met our Maverick James, and oh what a blessing he was at such a perfect time. I don't think I have ever gone through and explained my "why" on why I did things the way I did, or why I wasn't able to share with everyone our big news of being pregnant before. It has literally taken me all this time to understand and piece words together. I truly believe for a big part of the pregnancy I was on auto pilot. Maverick is almost a year old and I am just now able to speak about my experience. Some of these parts are hard to relive, but need to be addressed. I am so grateful for those who maybe didn't understand me, but supported me. Who helped me get excited as time went on and who kept cheering me on. I am so grateful.
~Kayleen
Comments
Post a Comment