A lifetime of change: 1 month into my weightloss journey
My First month of my changed lifestyle
So for those of you reading this who don't actually know me, don't know that I was in basketball my whole life. I was outside chasing around six little brothers growing up, all the time. I love crossfit. You probably don't know that my whole life I have had to watch what I ate, but never experienced a weight gain like this last one.
I am the girl who has always had to try harder than most when it came to weight loss, but I was never obese. I was fit, but definitely had a little bit of chub around the middle. I gained muscle very easily, but had a hard time loosing fat. My senior year when I started Crossfit I embraced how stocky I was compared to my friends and felt like I finally fit in somewhere. My huge arms were actually nice to have around and I lived by the motto "strong is the new skinny"
I was never one who didn't have a goal, or a reason why I shouldn't workout. I seriously loved it so much.
Fast forward a couple years and a marriage. We were just a few months away from hitting our year mark and I started to notice change in myself. I was a little heavier, had a ton of anxiety and started to feel the depression sweep over me. We had a lot of change come all at once within the recent month, but I knew I needed to get off my birth control because it had caused the same effects when I was in middle school. It took a good three months before the anxiety and depression started to settle, but the weight stayed.
I was seeing someone for my anxiety and one thing she said to me has always stood out. For the very first time in my life I was having an issue getting my butt back in the gym. I had no intentions on changing my diet and my motivation for my health just really did not occur to me like it used to. I couldn't figure out why. I never had been to a point where I really just did not care what my health looked like. She asked me if it was because I was at a point in my life where I felt completely safe and secure. She asked if Spencer made me feel that way. Now, seriously what a problem to have right? I am the luckiest girl in the world because that was my problem from the beginning of gaining the 90 pounds. I had someone by my side who helped me feel completely secure to the point where I felt like at my heaviest, I was still beautiful and amazing. That is the power of freaking love my friends.
Before I could figure much out we hit our year and a half mark of marriage, had a lot more come up like buying this huge, stinky, project house and becoming pregnant. My mindset never changed and that is where I believe I let myself gain the weight.
Here is the thing though, when I was on birth control I swelled up like a balloon, bad. When I was pregnant the swelling got to the point my family thought I had toxemia. I also beleive the way my body reacts to being pregnant and on birth control helped me gain weight as well. Definitely though, my thought process and the way I was eating had the biggest effect.
Well after having Maverick and experiencing what it actually felt like being completely fed up with myself and the weight. I decided randomly one day I was going to do it. I was going to start my weight loss journey.
The reason for my back story and why I brought up what my counselor had mentioned is because it played a key part in my mindset. I knew I was loved no matter what I looked like and in my head I still felt like the most beautiful girl around Spencer, but I also knew I needed a change. When Spencer wasn't around is when I would catch a glimpse of myself, or notice the size of the tag on my shirt. I knew I wasn't healthy and I knew my "why" needed to change. My "why" from high school all the way up to my marriage was because I wanted to look and be fit. I wanted to walk into a room full of guys and not feel so insecure. Well now when I walk into a room full of guys I am looking for the one guy who signed up to help me change diapers and get shit done on my honey to do lists, I don't care who else sees me because they aren't here for me, they don't love me.
SO I changed my why.
I hated my health. Hated it. It actually wasn't health at all to me, it was neglect to my body. I was fed up and extremely tired of what I had let myself get to. My why changed from the way I looked to the way I wanted to feel. This was my why..."I want to be the picture of health for my son, so as he grows up he will know what it is like to appreciate and care for the body God has blessed him with." I want to be the person who knows and understands how blessed I am to have this body and I wanted to finally show my body that I actually appreciated it. That was my reason and why I wasn't going to give up.
I lost 20 pounds right after having Maverick. It was all water weight, but it gave me motivation. I started to eat healthier and less portions, but I wasn't tracking anything, or watching all the sweets/fried foods I was partaking of every week, so I had a stand still and it was the first time I had to push through the negative mindset that started to creep up. I knew I couldn't throw in the towel yet. I was seriously so fed up you guys. I had a number in my head and I was not going to erase it from my mind no matter what.
Its hard, trust me I know. You are eating right, working out, doing everything you believe you should be doing and then you don't see progress right away. That is what sucks about becoming healthy. It seriously tries your patience and your dedication every single day. Every time the scale didn't move, or if I felt like I deserved a treat I pushed the thought out of my head and re-focused myself on the bigger picture. I decided to cut sugar, fried foods and to start watching my macros more carefully.
That first month I did not cheat, not even a little because I knew I had no room for error. I knew once I gave in, I would cave and pretty soon there would be no progress at all. So I put my why on my fridge, I wrote it out at least 20 times and I pounded it in my head. Sometimes I would even have to say out loud "nope not gunna eat that, I don't need it" "I do not want it". I am being dead serious. I would tell myself even if I really did want something, I would make myself hate it, or feel like it was gross. For example....McDonald's fries were my weakness. I looked up side effects and the ingredients and told myself how gross they were and how I would not feed my body something like that. Seriously. I know some of you on here are like "what the heck she just ate McDonald's like not too long ago" and your right. I did. I am talking about my first month here making the changes. I had retrained my brain. I had to convince myself I hated all those foods because I knew I would cave if I talked myself into them, so I talked myself out of them.
I also know that there are some people out there who are going to disagree with what I did. They believe in treating themselves once a week, or giving into a craving every now and then. I believe that too. Here is the thing. I was weak at the beginning of my journey. I knew if I gave in too soon I wouldn't change. Like I said it was a lifestyle change, so when I actually got to a healthier weight that is somewhat close to my overall goal I did loosen up a little and that is where it is a lifestyle change, not a diet.
I have never had to retrain myself as much as I have in the last year. At first I thought if I started to do what I was doing before the weight gain, surely it will just come off. For me, that is not the case. I am a mom now and organs actually hate me still, so I can't even just go Keto and be done with it. I figured out from the beginning that even after three strict months of no sugar, no fried foods, no processed foods that my body is going to need a lifetime of changes. I need a new mom eating habits guide for myself. That is why I won't do generic diets, or stick to a specific plan because I always alternate it. I know that this is a change I will have to stick to the rest of my life and even some of those diets may help me lose all the weight, I want to make sure I keep it off.
That first month supported me throughout all of the other months. Every week I would have the number I wanted to reach by the end of my weight loss, but I also had a number I wanted to be at each week. That first month was so stinkin hard. It was so trying. IT WAS ALSO THE MOST REWARDING TRAIL. I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I know hard work pays off. I know trusting the process gives you results. I NOW KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE A MOM WHO LOVES WHAT HER BODY IS CAPABLE OF AND I AM GRATEFUL.
-kayleen
So for those of you reading this who don't actually know me, don't know that I was in basketball my whole life. I was outside chasing around six little brothers growing up, all the time. I love crossfit. You probably don't know that my whole life I have had to watch what I ate, but never experienced a weight gain like this last one.
I am the girl who has always had to try harder than most when it came to weight loss, but I was never obese. I was fit, but definitely had a little bit of chub around the middle. I gained muscle very easily, but had a hard time loosing fat. My senior year when I started Crossfit I embraced how stocky I was compared to my friends and felt like I finally fit in somewhere. My huge arms were actually nice to have around and I lived by the motto "strong is the new skinny"
I was never one who didn't have a goal, or a reason why I shouldn't workout. I seriously loved it so much.
Fast forward a couple years and a marriage. We were just a few months away from hitting our year mark and I started to notice change in myself. I was a little heavier, had a ton of anxiety and started to feel the depression sweep over me. We had a lot of change come all at once within the recent month, but I knew I needed to get off my birth control because it had caused the same effects when I was in middle school. It took a good three months before the anxiety and depression started to settle, but the weight stayed.
I was seeing someone for my anxiety and one thing she said to me has always stood out. For the very first time in my life I was having an issue getting my butt back in the gym. I had no intentions on changing my diet and my motivation for my health just really did not occur to me like it used to. I couldn't figure out why. I never had been to a point where I really just did not care what my health looked like. She asked me if it was because I was at a point in my life where I felt completely safe and secure. She asked if Spencer made me feel that way. Now, seriously what a problem to have right? I am the luckiest girl in the world because that was my problem from the beginning of gaining the 90 pounds. I had someone by my side who helped me feel completely secure to the point where I felt like at my heaviest, I was still beautiful and amazing. That is the power of freaking love my friends.
Before I could figure much out we hit our year and a half mark of marriage, had a lot more come up like buying this huge, stinky, project house and becoming pregnant. My mindset never changed and that is where I believe I let myself gain the weight.
Here is the thing though, when I was on birth control I swelled up like a balloon, bad. When I was pregnant the swelling got to the point my family thought I had toxemia. I also beleive the way my body reacts to being pregnant and on birth control helped me gain weight as well. Definitely though, my thought process and the way I was eating had the biggest effect.
Well after having Maverick and experiencing what it actually felt like being completely fed up with myself and the weight. I decided randomly one day I was going to do it. I was going to start my weight loss journey.
The reason for my back story and why I brought up what my counselor had mentioned is because it played a key part in my mindset. I knew I was loved no matter what I looked like and in my head I still felt like the most beautiful girl around Spencer, but I also knew I needed a change. When Spencer wasn't around is when I would catch a glimpse of myself, or notice the size of the tag on my shirt. I knew I wasn't healthy and I knew my "why" needed to change. My "why" from high school all the way up to my marriage was because I wanted to look and be fit. I wanted to walk into a room full of guys and not feel so insecure. Well now when I walk into a room full of guys I am looking for the one guy who signed up to help me change diapers and get shit done on my honey to do lists, I don't care who else sees me because they aren't here for me, they don't love me.
SO I changed my why.
I hated my health. Hated it. It actually wasn't health at all to me, it was neglect to my body. I was fed up and extremely tired of what I had let myself get to. My why changed from the way I looked to the way I wanted to feel. This was my why..."I want to be the picture of health for my son, so as he grows up he will know what it is like to appreciate and care for the body God has blessed him with." I want to be the person who knows and understands how blessed I am to have this body and I wanted to finally show my body that I actually appreciated it. That was my reason and why I wasn't going to give up.
I lost 20 pounds right after having Maverick. It was all water weight, but it gave me motivation. I started to eat healthier and less portions, but I wasn't tracking anything, or watching all the sweets/fried foods I was partaking of every week, so I had a stand still and it was the first time I had to push through the negative mindset that started to creep up. I knew I couldn't throw in the towel yet. I was seriously so fed up you guys. I had a number in my head and I was not going to erase it from my mind no matter what.
Its hard, trust me I know. You are eating right, working out, doing everything you believe you should be doing and then you don't see progress right away. That is what sucks about becoming healthy. It seriously tries your patience and your dedication every single day. Every time the scale didn't move, or if I felt like I deserved a treat I pushed the thought out of my head and re-focused myself on the bigger picture. I decided to cut sugar, fried foods and to start watching my macros more carefully.
That first month I did not cheat, not even a little because I knew I had no room for error. I knew once I gave in, I would cave and pretty soon there would be no progress at all. So I put my why on my fridge, I wrote it out at least 20 times and I pounded it in my head. Sometimes I would even have to say out loud "nope not gunna eat that, I don't need it" "I do not want it". I am being dead serious. I would tell myself even if I really did want something, I would make myself hate it, or feel like it was gross. For example....McDonald's fries were my weakness. I looked up side effects and the ingredients and told myself how gross they were and how I would not feed my body something like that. Seriously. I know some of you on here are like "what the heck she just ate McDonald's like not too long ago" and your right. I did. I am talking about my first month here making the changes. I had retrained my brain. I had to convince myself I hated all those foods because I knew I would cave if I talked myself into them, so I talked myself out of them.
I also know that there are some people out there who are going to disagree with what I did. They believe in treating themselves once a week, or giving into a craving every now and then. I believe that too. Here is the thing. I was weak at the beginning of my journey. I knew if I gave in too soon I wouldn't change. Like I said it was a lifestyle change, so when I actually got to a healthier weight that is somewhat close to my overall goal I did loosen up a little and that is where it is a lifestyle change, not a diet.
I have never had to retrain myself as much as I have in the last year. At first I thought if I started to do what I was doing before the weight gain, surely it will just come off. For me, that is not the case. I am a mom now and organs actually hate me still, so I can't even just go Keto and be done with it. I figured out from the beginning that even after three strict months of no sugar, no fried foods, no processed foods that my body is going to need a lifetime of changes. I need a new mom eating habits guide for myself. That is why I won't do generic diets, or stick to a specific plan because I always alternate it. I know that this is a change I will have to stick to the rest of my life and even some of those diets may help me lose all the weight, I want to make sure I keep it off.
That first month supported me throughout all of the other months. Every week I would have the number I wanted to reach by the end of my weight loss, but I also had a number I wanted to be at each week. That first month was so stinkin hard. It was so trying. IT WAS ALSO THE MOST REWARDING TRAIL. I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I know hard work pays off. I know trusting the process gives you results. I NOW KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE A MOM WHO LOVES WHAT HER BODY IS CAPABLE OF AND I AM GRATEFUL.
-kayleen
Comments
Post a Comment