Someone calls me mom
I am the one called mom now
Today I was thinking about what the heck I wanted to write about. So many options to chose from and after I put a poll up on Instagram, I got lots of feedback on all kinds of topics like birthday party, loose skin, 5 year plan ect. As I was sitting down and getting all set up to write out the blog post I had planned on writing today, I had a strong feeling to write about my experience of being the one named mom.
I remember as a little girl I liked the idea of motherhood, maybe because I had six little brothers and being the oldest I played a little bit of a part in helping them out on a daily bases and it felt good to be needed. It seemed that having a family was always the main goal in life. However, I knew I wanted to do something before I got to that point.
I wanted a period of time that was all about me. I really wanted to be successful in my occupation. I wanted to have no obligations after work, but to do what I wanted whether it be spending time with friends, or working out. I wanted to have a house and a husband. I wanted to have my animals. I wanted to enjoy my own life as Kayleen. It kind of seems selfish now, looking back and writing it out. Still to this day though, I sometimes find myself envying those who have that and sometimes even grieve over never having it. I mean I wanted it SO bad.
Something I have come to realize is I loved working. I know, sounds weird. Who likes to work? I think I liked having a set schedule and challenges. I liked taking pride in my work and people coming to me for answers. I was starting to get to that point where I was the one who people wanted to have working for them. It seemed like I was starting to find a good career path. My life was getting the point I had wanted for so long. I was working out and hanging out with my friends whenever I wanted. I had so many options for continuing my education. I found my best-est friend that I get to spend forever with. It felt like my version of being successful was seriously getting closer and closer, and then I found out I was pregnant.
It was so hard letting go of the life I had planned out for myself. If you know me, then you know when I set my mind to something there is nothing stopping me. It has to happen. God has a sense of humor and for sure thought this girl needs to be humbled. So he sent me Maverick and he did not hold back. He showed me what real motherhood would feel like the second my water broke. He showed me how much I could love a person in the first few minutes of physically meeting him. God showed me the strength and determination it takes to keep that little human alive. He showed me it wasn't just an eight to five job I now had, but a job that I clocked in on May 26th 2019 and won't ever clock out. Countless sleepless nights, waking up in a panic checking for a baby who was in his crib, not being squished under his dad. A feeding schedule that is always on going and diapers for life...well so it seems right now.
The moment I knew my life would change forever was when Maverick was in the nicu, I had just walked in and started talking to the nurse. He was only a full 24 hours old and the moment he heard my voice he turned his head towards me because he could hear me in the corner and the realization hit me, this little guy wants me. He loves me and in my head I'm thinking he doesn't even really know me, but he thinks he needs me. I'm this guys' mom.
When he started saying "mama" it was so crazy to me. Like that's my name now?! When I was the one he started reaching for whenever something wasn't right and he needed a little snack, or snuggle. Ok, that's like a real mom job description. I knew my life was changed when just yesterday we were out walking in his wagon just him and I and after getting after him for standing up he fell over, looked at me with this crazy "how could you" look and we both started to do the same uncontrollable laugh. Or... how about when I started to sing shoo fly don't bother me in the ice cream parlor and dancing with all these people around and it was socially acceptable because I was holding my one year old...OH I AM A FREAKIN MOM.
It was so hard at first letting go of the dreams I once had. I mean I seriously struggled with it. It honestly felt like I had just erased part of my life and lost myself. The mom bod really hit hard, my eighteen year old crossfit body would not approve, but you know what? I kind of like it now because my husband still likes it and maverick thinks its nice and soft to snuggle with after a long day of playing. Every now and then I do find myself still wishing for the things I wanted and it can be a struggle sometimes after three days of a baby crying throughout the night and throwing tantrums during the day. I mean honestly if your covered in food, haven't gotten to wash your hair in days and have a ringing in your ear from the unnaturally loud scream you have been listening to for the past hour and aren't wishing for better days maybe your not human? or your perfect, which in that case goodbye.
Being the one called mom is incredible and something I probably could never ever understand until it happened. It is something that is so rewarding. I look back and think about how proud I was of some of my goals, like working out everyday and being able to run 10 miles. Well, look at me now, I can go three days without sleep, clean a whole house and have it look like nothing has been touched, run around like a mad woman all over town in a messy bun and workout pants that might be too tight, and I can still feel like I did after running my 10 miles...exhausted, but proud. My goals have changed and I feel like a much better person. My goal to be able to run 10 miles was motivated by wanting to look a certain way and to show off my calves, now my goals have changed and the motivation behind them are all based off of my little family. Now it is all bout how can I make sure I am in good enough shape to take care of my growing family and make sure everyone is happy and healthy.
Being the one called mom is sacrifice. It is unconditional love. It is selflessness. It is humbling. It is amazing and I am so fortunate to be able to have this job of mine. In all the times I dream of what else I could be doing, those little opened mouth kisses and death hugs on the legs help remind me of how blessed I am. What an amazing opportunity I have to give life to someone and help them grow into a person of their own. Being the one called mom came at just the right time and it freakin rocks the socks off any dream I had before. (I hope that phrase brought someone back to like the 7th grade)
-Kayleen
Today I was thinking about what the heck I wanted to write about. So many options to chose from and after I put a poll up on Instagram, I got lots of feedback on all kinds of topics like birthday party, loose skin, 5 year plan ect. As I was sitting down and getting all set up to write out the blog post I had planned on writing today, I had a strong feeling to write about my experience of being the one named mom.
I remember as a little girl I liked the idea of motherhood, maybe because I had six little brothers and being the oldest I played a little bit of a part in helping them out on a daily bases and it felt good to be needed. It seemed that having a family was always the main goal in life. However, I knew I wanted to do something before I got to that point.
I wanted a period of time that was all about me. I really wanted to be successful in my occupation. I wanted to have no obligations after work, but to do what I wanted whether it be spending time with friends, or working out. I wanted to have a house and a husband. I wanted to have my animals. I wanted to enjoy my own life as Kayleen. It kind of seems selfish now, looking back and writing it out. Still to this day though, I sometimes find myself envying those who have that and sometimes even grieve over never having it. I mean I wanted it SO bad.
Something I have come to realize is I loved working. I know, sounds weird. Who likes to work? I think I liked having a set schedule and challenges. I liked taking pride in my work and people coming to me for answers. I was starting to get to that point where I was the one who people wanted to have working for them. It seemed like I was starting to find a good career path. My life was getting the point I had wanted for so long. I was working out and hanging out with my friends whenever I wanted. I had so many options for continuing my education. I found my best-est friend that I get to spend forever with. It felt like my version of being successful was seriously getting closer and closer, and then I found out I was pregnant.
It was so hard letting go of the life I had planned out for myself. If you know me, then you know when I set my mind to something there is nothing stopping me. It has to happen. God has a sense of humor and for sure thought this girl needs to be humbled. So he sent me Maverick and he did not hold back. He showed me what real motherhood would feel like the second my water broke. He showed me how much I could love a person in the first few minutes of physically meeting him. God showed me the strength and determination it takes to keep that little human alive. He showed me it wasn't just an eight to five job I now had, but a job that I clocked in on May 26th 2019 and won't ever clock out. Countless sleepless nights, waking up in a panic checking for a baby who was in his crib, not being squished under his dad. A feeding schedule that is always on going and diapers for life...well so it seems right now.
The moment I knew my life would change forever was when Maverick was in the nicu, I had just walked in and started talking to the nurse. He was only a full 24 hours old and the moment he heard my voice he turned his head towards me because he could hear me in the corner and the realization hit me, this little guy wants me. He loves me and in my head I'm thinking he doesn't even really know me, but he thinks he needs me. I'm this guys' mom.
When he started saying "mama" it was so crazy to me. Like that's my name now?! When I was the one he started reaching for whenever something wasn't right and he needed a little snack, or snuggle. Ok, that's like a real mom job description. I knew my life was changed when just yesterday we were out walking in his wagon just him and I and after getting after him for standing up he fell over, looked at me with this crazy "how could you" look and we both started to do the same uncontrollable laugh. Or... how about when I started to sing shoo fly don't bother me in the ice cream parlor and dancing with all these people around and it was socially acceptable because I was holding my one year old...OH I AM A FREAKIN MOM.
It was so hard at first letting go of the dreams I once had. I mean I seriously struggled with it. It honestly felt like I had just erased part of my life and lost myself. The mom bod really hit hard, my eighteen year old crossfit body would not approve, but you know what? I kind of like it now because my husband still likes it and maverick thinks its nice and soft to snuggle with after a long day of playing. Every now and then I do find myself still wishing for the things I wanted and it can be a struggle sometimes after three days of a baby crying throughout the night and throwing tantrums during the day. I mean honestly if your covered in food, haven't gotten to wash your hair in days and have a ringing in your ear from the unnaturally loud scream you have been listening to for the past hour and aren't wishing for better days maybe your not human? or your perfect, which in that case goodbye.
Being the one called mom is incredible and something I probably could never ever understand until it happened. It is something that is so rewarding. I look back and think about how proud I was of some of my goals, like working out everyday and being able to run 10 miles. Well, look at me now, I can go three days without sleep, clean a whole house and have it look like nothing has been touched, run around like a mad woman all over town in a messy bun and workout pants that might be too tight, and I can still feel like I did after running my 10 miles...exhausted, but proud. My goals have changed and I feel like a much better person. My goal to be able to run 10 miles was motivated by wanting to look a certain way and to show off my calves, now my goals have changed and the motivation behind them are all based off of my little family. Now it is all bout how can I make sure I am in good enough shape to take care of my growing family and make sure everyone is happy and healthy.
Being the one called mom is sacrifice. It is unconditional love. It is selflessness. It is humbling. It is amazing and I am so fortunate to be able to have this job of mine. In all the times I dream of what else I could be doing, those little opened mouth kisses and death hugs on the legs help remind me of how blessed I am. What an amazing opportunity I have to give life to someone and help them grow into a person of their own. Being the one called mom came at just the right time and it freakin rocks the socks off any dream I had before. (I hope that phrase brought someone back to like the 7th grade)
-Kayleen
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